I have come to the conclusion that having a mental illness is like wearing a new pair of shoes. At first you hate your new shoes (they are so uncomfortable and give you blisters) and then after a while they become more comfortable and then at some point you forget for long periods of time that you are even wearing shoes because feel like they have become a part of you.
The same process is present when you have a diagnosed mental illness. At first, there is range of emotions like dismay, despair and not wanting to have a mental illness. Then, after a while the diagnosis fits more comfortably and then you realize the diagnosis is not the whole of who you are. You can live with it and can go for long periods of time without the diagnosis being on your mind all the time because it has become a part of you.
The odd thing about it though is even though you have accepted it as much as you possibly can, another layer of dismay, despair and not wanting to have a mental illness can show up unannounced. This is what I have been experiencing for quite some time, all the while working on learning how to run a business and what to do.
Let me explain. I washing dishes while I had a friend over and I had many tasks to do that day. I had what I call “dominos”. Dominos is that childhood game that if you knock over one tile the rest will get knocked over too. I use this word to explain the overwhelming feeling that happens when in order to do one task there are many tasks that must be done in order to accomplish something. Take cleaning as an example, you must have bought cleaners, have rags or paper towel and rubber gloves. Then, you must have all the supplies, time and energy all the same time to accomplish this task. The dominos would be getting the cleaners and gloves from the store and finding the rags and then having the time and energy. Cleaning is a complex task if you really think about it.
I thought of all I had to do that day and the many dominos and started to cry. My friend said “What is wrong?” All I could say is “ I have schizophrenia…” I felt immediate relief. Trying to run away from the dismay, despair and not wanting to have a diagnosis I had been trying so hard for the illness not to interfere in my life that I was not acknowledging how it was affecting me. This turned out to be another layer of acceptance. (It helped me regroup and I just picked a couple of priorities to do that day).
Since that day, I realized I have not been in touch with you. I apologize. What I want is a sustainable business that is easy to track and fun to do that improves that lives of my friends and followers. Also, I want to help medical professionals better understand mental illness.
I plan to be better at keeping you informed about what I am doing and I am thinking up ways I can help you. So look out for my Ezine and other fun stuff coming soon.
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